[HM:258201] How to Make Work Feel Effortless

​

Sometimes work can be a drag. You get caught up in trying to be more productive and suddenly your life turns into a series of to-do lists. You gauge your measure of success by how much you accomplish. You even determine how happy you allow yourself to be by how much you've gotten done in the day.

 

We spend a lot of time trying to find ways to be more productive. To do things faster, better, cheaper and spend our time more effectively. But instead of just doing more in less time, maybe we should focus on actually enjoying the work we're doing instead.

Here are 8 ways to make work seem like less of a chore and more like a gift:

 

1. Follow your natural rhythms. A lot of the time I resent working is because I'm trying to force myself to do something I don't feel like doing. Naturally there will always be some things you're not crazy about doing (like cleaning the toilet). But how often do you force yourself to work more, when you really want to relax? When you force yourself to work when you've promised yourself a break, you'll likely just end up distracting yourself with other things and put off working. Then you get stressed and end up resenting work. Instead, follow your natural rhythms. When you feel like working, work. When you don't, don't. Don't over complicate things.
2. Do, don't think. I'm going to stay true to this point and not think about writing something elaborate. Just do, stop thinking about it. Fail, make corrections later.
3. Don't put sugar in your tank. You wouldn't put sugar in your gas tank right? It doesn't make much sense to fill your body up with unhealthy fuel either. If you don't have the energy to get the work you need to done, work will feel forced.
4. Remove hidden roadblocks. What's making you avoid working? What's making your work seem like drudgery rather than joyful? It might have something to do with your beliefs about yourself. Maybe you believe you're not good enough, smart enough or don't have enough experience. Question your beliefs about what you can and can't do.
5. Only do your best. Work can easily become a chore when you're trying to constantly be perfect. The truth is, some of your ideas might not be so great. Others will be mind blowing. If you can accept that and just do your best, you stop judging yourself. Guess what it feels like when you're no longer picking over everything you do with a fine toothed comb? It feels extremely liberating. It feels like you can actually enjoy your experience, rather than worrying about how everything is going to turn out. That is working effortlessly.
6. Act from your gut. When you think you have a great idea, believe it. Follow it. Chase it until you're out of breath and can barely hold yourself up. Because if you don't trust yourself, you'll regret it later. The best way to live is to follow your intuition and trust life. If nothing else, trust yourself. Because if you can't trust yourself, how can you trust your mistrust? That's not very smart is it?
7. Focus on what matters. Our minds are constantly pulling us in different directions. We have to wash the cat, buy more apple cinnamon oatmeal, finish writing that resignation letter to your no-longer-boss at your dead-end job, and all sorts of other things. We have a tendency to follow what's urgent instead of what's important. In order to get the important things done, we have to be ruthless at removing distractions. If it takes bringing a laptop (or notepad) to a cafe to write your grandiose novel, then do that.  Avoid the vacuum of minutiae urgency. Remove all distractions so you can focus on the important things. I would much rather spend 4 hours working on an important project, then 4 hours spinning my wheels and scratching my head trying to figure out what I did today.
8. Refuse to do what you don't want to do. I often avoid working because I'm trying to do things I think I "should do." I think I should read more because it will make me smarter. I think I should buy new clothes because it will make me cooler. I think I should work on this project because it will be good for my resume. Forget what you think you should do (except maybe… paying your rent). Do what you want to do. Other people will understand. In fact, they'll probably envy you.

Junaid Tahir 
www.DailyTenMinutes.com

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[HM:258200] 8 Tips to handle Manipulative People

​

"There are those whose primary ability is to spin wheels of manipulation. It is their second skin and without these spinning wheels, they simply do not know how to function."

― C. JoyBell C.

Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim's expense.

It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

1. They know how to detect your weaknesses.
2. Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.
3. Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.
4. In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation.

Root causes for chronic manipulation are complex and deep-seated. But whatever drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative, it's not easy when you're on the receiving end of such aggression. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are eight keys to handling manipulative people. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.

1.  Know Your Fundamental Human Rights*

The single most important guideline when you're dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they're being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights:

• You have the right to be treated with respect.
• You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.
• You have the right to set your own priorities.
• You have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty.
• You have the right to get what you pay for.
• You have the right to have opinions different than others.
• You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
• You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries.

Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who's in charge of your life.

2.  Keep Your Distance

One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them.

3.  Avoid Personalization and Self-Blame

Since the manipulator's agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it's important to remember that you are not the problem; you're simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you're more likely to surrender your power and rights. Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask the following questions:

• Am I being treated with genuine respect?
• Are this person's expectations and demands of me reasonable?
• Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
• Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?

Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the "problem" in the relationship is with you or the other person.

For more in-depth information on reducing or eliminating over fifteen types of negative attitudes and feelings, see my book (click on title): "How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions (link is external)."

4.  Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions

Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These "offers" often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it's sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme. For example:

• "Does this seem reasonable to you?"
• "Does what you want from me sound fair?"
• "Do I have a say in this?"
• "Are you asking me or telling me?"
• "So, what do I get out of this?"
• "Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?"

When you ask such questions, you're putting up a mirror, so the manipulator can see the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.

To learn more specifically about how to deal with narcissists, see my book (click on title): "How to Successfully Handle Narcissists (link is external)."

​

5.  Use Time to Your Advantage

In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximize their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Sales people call this "closing the deal.") During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator's request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying:

"I'll think about it."

Consider how powerful these few words are from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. Take the time you need to evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if you're better off by saying "no," which leads us to our next point:

6.  Know How To Say "No"―Diplomatically But Firmly

To be able to say "no" diplomatically but firmly is to practice the art of communication. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say "no" without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life. In (click on title) "How to Successfully Handle Manipulative People (link is external)," I review seven different ways you can say "no," to help lower resistance and keep the peace.

7.  Confront Bullies, Safely

A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person.

The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.

On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light:

• "When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first."—Tom Hiddleston
• "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others."—Paramhansa Yogananda
• "I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure." —Shay Mitchell

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it's standing tall on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully's inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It's important to stand up to bullies, and you don't have to do it alone.

8.  Set Consequences

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won't take "no" for an answer, deploy consequence.

The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect.

psychologytoday

Junaid Tahir 
www.DailyTenMinutes.com

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[HM:258199] How to Praise Someone Professionally

​

Editor's note: We previously covered how to give criticism like a man. But it's equally to know how to render effective praise. So today Tom Cox is going to gives us a primer on how to do so.

Tom Cox is a consultant, author and speaker based in Beaverton, Oregon.  He has worked in nearly every private sector industry as well as the public sector, improving any process that involves people. His weekly radio program "Tom on Leadership" is here and his blog is here.

One of the most powerful forms of human communications is praise. We are surrounded by opportunities to use it — in teamwork, in the workplace, in family life, in volunteering, even in dog training — and when we do it well, it works wonders.

Effective praise can permanently raise someone's performance. It can dramatically alter someone's self-image, or even the trajectory of their life. At the very least, it can make their day better.

At the same time, wrong praise at the wrong time, in the wrong manner, can be worse than useless — it can be devastating.

Master a few basic concepts, and you can give truly effective praise every time — you can praise like a man.

Phase 1: Basic Praise

At the very least, your praise should always include these three elements:

• The name of the person you are praising
• The specific thing you saw them do, and where and when
• Sincerity

Their name — you should always address a person by their name because it conveys respect. The sweetest word in most people's ears is the sound of their own name. And, if you address me by my name, it means you know my name — it means you've noticed me. One of the great cravings of the human soul is to be noticed. If you start any sentence with someone's name, you're starting off on the right foot.

The specifics — if your praise is vague, it can sound insincere. As you start to praise more, you will frequently encounter people resisting your praise — they will say "it was nothing" or "I was just doing my job." And maybe, deep down, they don't think they deserve praise, or perhaps they suspect you are trying to manipulate them. If you are extremely specific, you can bypass that resistance and earn their trust.

Contrast these two statements:

"Hey, good job yesterday."

Versus

"Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o'clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work."

If Jim is having a hard time accepting praise, the first statement is unlikely to be effective. The second statement, however, demonstrates to Jim three things: that you know his name, that you saw and noticed what he was up to, and that you have a positive opinion of what he did. By anchoring your praise with the specific time and place and other details, you can help Jim give himself permission to believe you.

Sincerity — you should only ever give praise that you actually mean. Unearned praise is mere flattery. A real man doesn't manipulate people's emotions, or use false or empty praise. Think about a  time you earned the praise of somebody you respected. You valued that praise because you valued the opinion of the person giving it. And, you valued that praise because you trusted the sincerity of the person giving it.

As you grow in manliness, you will increasingly become the kind of person whose opinion is valued by others. And your good opinion will be valued in direct proportion to how much your listener respects you, and believes you. (Never try to fake sincerity — the worst thing that might happen is, you succeed and get good at it, undermining your integrity, the foundation of true manliness.)

As I teach people how to give effective praise, this aspect of sincerity can be a real stumbling block. If it is, respect it. Become more mindful. When you are mindful enough to notice that you are struggling with sincerity, you are also mindful enough to start to develop some true sincerity. Contemplate the person whom you would like to praise. Open yourself up to noticing what it is they are doing right. Open yourself up to feeling a true sense of appreciation for what they're doing. Once you're in touch with that true sense of appreciation, you can voice it with sincerity.

And when you praise, you are making a statement about right and wrong. You can only give sincere praise for good work if you know what good work is. You can only praise someone for taking the right path, when you know which path is right. A real man knows right from wrong, and is not afraid to champion the right.  Effective praise is a gentle and effective way to champion the right.

Phase 2: Advanced Praise

Once you are starting to get good at normal praise, you can move on to a more advanced form. This is where effective praise can truly become life-changing.

Before you voice your positive comments, stop and ask yourself "What is the positive character trait that must exist inside that person for them to have exhibited this behavior?"

This is always the hardest thing I teach about praise, so give it some respect. In workshops, I will distribute a list of over 100 positive character traits, and give everyone time to browse through it to find one that fits the circumstance. It may be useful for you to have a thesaurus handy. A positive character trait can be anything from honesty to compassion, from hard-working to having a positive attitude, from being customer focused to being a team player.

Once you have identified the positive character trait that brought about the positive behavior that you witnessed, you add that character trait to the end of your praise:

"Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o'clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work — you were really focused. I like being on the team with somebody who has your kind of focus."

Several things will happen. If the person is inclined to resist, they may resist more strongly. If your details are not specific enough, they may not believe you. And if you lack sincerity, they will sense it immediately, and they will feel betrayed or manipulated. However, if you have done everything right, if you have been observant, if you are right with the details, if you are sincere, then what you are doing is providing them a glimpse of their best self through your eyes.

I truly believe that none of us will consistently behave in ways that are fundamentally at odds with our own self-image.  Everyone's behavior will tend to normalize — to cluster around — the behavior that they expect from themselves. When you truly, and with sincerity, give someone advanced praise, you are giving them the opportunity to upgrade their self-image.

Maybe Jim never thought of himself as being particularly focused. Maybe he even thought he was weak in that area. You, however, with your own eyes saw him behave in a highly focused way. When you share that with him, and you give it the name "focus," he almost has no choice. You've shown the evidence, and you're speaking with sincerity.  At some level, he has to accept at least the possibility that he is a focused person, or that he is capable of behaving in a focused way. When he got up that morning, he didn't think of himself that way. Now, because of your praise, he can see himself standing with a large "F" on his chest — he is Focused Man.

It is hard to overstate how transformational this can be. Under the right circumstances, the right word of praise and encouragement, spoken into the ear of someone who needs it and is ready, can unlock their human potential.

A Warning

Because praise is powerful, it is also dangerous. If you give someone praise that they truly don't think they deserve, they can feel worse than if you'd said nothing, and they can even start to think that you are clueless. Similarly, if someone is convinced they did good job and you criticize or nitpick, that can be profoundly demoralizing.

So, be careful, and practice. A real man can handle power with responsibility. As you continue to grow in manliness, you will find effective praise comes easily to your lips and honestly from your heart.

artofmanliness

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RE: [HM:258197] Re: WhatsApp group

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On Oct 9, 2015 5:02 PM, "h h. bhate" <hh.bhate@licindia.com> wrote:

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________________________________________
From: hyd-masti@googlegroups.com [hyd-masti@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of naveed shaikh [nvdshaikh306@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, October 09, 2015 12:47 PM
To: hyd-masti@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: [HM:258147] Re: WhatsApp group

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Naveed shaikh


GRAPHICSDesigner
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>
>
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>
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>>>>>
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Yours In Diplomacy,

           Siddiqullah Shekib

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[HM:258196] 5 Recommendations for Creating Deep Connections

​

 Sam Gentoku McCree  Share                              

You need other people. Not because you're a needy little wimp, but because humans evolved as pack animals. We lived for thousands of years in tribes. Small tight knit communities of less than 150 people all working together to hunt wildebeests and fight off tigers.

Everybody you'd ever know, marry, have babies,  and get into fights with were part of that 150 people.

While it may have been a bit claustrophobic for some, it did prime us to need deep and meaningful connections.

Now this is the part where normally I, as the insightful and witty author, talk about how the modern world has ruined connection and tell you about Facebook damaging the word "friend" that it's all but meaningless. But instead let's just skip all that and talk about how you can build tribe level connections with people in your life.

Here is how I have formed the most deep connections in my life:

1. Tell The Truth.
Most of us talk on a surface level most of the time, and that's fine for people with whom you don't want to connect. But if you want to create real connections you have to say something real. This means you have to be honest. With yourself and with the other person. Being honest doesn't mean being a jerk, but it does me showing up and saying what's actually going on with you and the world you live in.

2. Ask good questions and then actually listen.
Learn to ask really good open ended questions and then listen closely to the answers.

Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Take the time to really listen to what someone is saying. Take the time to reflect it back, to be clear on who this person is and what they care about.

Become a master at asking and listening and you will create powerful connections with those around you.

3. Spend extended periods of time with people.
We tend to interact with people in 10 – 30 minute chunks and that really isn't enough time to get to know someone.

Instead make plans for a long slow hang*. When I say long and slow that's what I mean. Shoot for spending 2 – 4 hours or more of relatively unstructured time with someone.

If you do this you'll get to experience much more of who someone really is. You'll begin to relax in their presence and that's when the walls start to come down.

4. Do stuff for people.
Always be asking the question, "How can I help or how can I be of service?" Not directly but to yourself. Asking someone how to help them is nice, but it's hard to answer.

Instead, if you notice a way to help, either just do it or offer it to them. Ask yourself, What would I like in this situation? What would help me if I was in there shoes? and offer to do that.

Deep connections are built on service. Not on horse trading.

5. Be continuously vulnerable.
The big key to deep connection is stepping into vulnerability again and again. When you're vulnerable your connection ports are open, but when you're guarded they're not. So be open and vulnerable whenever possible.

Share what you're scared of, what your hopes are, what you're struggling with, your faults of character. And also listen to your friend's problems and complaints without judgement or advice. Simply hear them, witness them, and hold them in your attention.

This is scary, but it's also worth it. Step into vulnerability and your connections will deepen.

 

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*Thanks to Keith Ferrazzi's book Who's Got Your Back for the idea of the Long Slow Hang.

Junaid Tahir 
www.DailyTenMinutes.com

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Re: [HM:258195] Bilinmeyen Fotoğraflarla "Yeşil Bursa"

Old Memories...

Thanks

On Wed, Oct 21, 2015 at 7:17 PM, Cemal Haki <cemalhaki@gmail.com> wrote:

« Şimdiye kadar gördüğüm şehirler içinde Bursa kadar muayyen bir devrin malı olan bir başka şehri hatırlamıyorum. 

Bu şehirde eski bir vakte ait olmak keyfiyeti o kadar kuvvetlidir ki, insan "Bursa'da ikinci bir zaman daha vardır."  diye düşünebilir. » 

|Ahmet Hamdi Tanpınar|

www.cemalhaki.com

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